Tag Archives: Attempts at Procreating

Where I stood

22 Jun

My musical taste changes often depending on where I am in my life and what kind of mood I am in at the time. It will range from Corky Pop music when I’m feeling skinny and happy… to Alternative/Rock if I’m feeling knowledgeable and empowered… to Christian Worship music when I’m in need of spirituality or just wanting to sing at the top of my lungs.. And then there is when I love my Indie Soulful music when I’m feeling the blues and in need of some direction or inspiration.

I have this game I like to play sometimes in the car. I’ll plug my ipod in and set it to shuffle and hit play, the first song that comes on will be MY song for the day. Now this game doesn’t always work out the way I always want it too. There will be days I play this and I’m calm and feeling relaxed and ready for some inspiration and I end up with Lil John screaming YAYYYYYYYYY! loudly in my ears.

And then there are times where the song hits me straight in the heart and I get goosebumps because it’s EXACTLY how I feel at that moment. That happend to me this morning. Missy Higgins “Where I stood” came on as I was driving to work and I broke down into tears 45 seconds into the song.  Call me dramatic if you’d like, music is a passion of mine and it feeds my soul. Hearing the lyrics

“I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it’s all or none”

The song is about her putting her ex love behind her and realizing that even though they are no good for eachother and that this new woman in his life is better for him… she just doesn’t want to let go. She says “‘Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

Such a powerful statement “She who dares to stand where I stood”. It gets me right in the chest every time. This song for me doesn’t represent a lost love like it does for her.. I have the love of my life and I thank God everyday he’s my husband. This song for me is about my constant struggle of wanting all or nothing right this very second. Jealous Midgey is on my left shoulder poking me with her little stick in full force today. On a day that I should be feeling happy and excited for a dear friend I find myself feeling horribly jealous and aching for the same thing to happen to me.

This yearning in my heart and soul to be a Mother consumes me sometimes. To the point where I feel like it will never happen to me because I want it so badly. My Husband says I need to “let go, and that I’m stressing to much about it. It’s not happening because I’m thinking about it to much.” Of course this theory is possibly very true, but then I think about all the other woman that Chart, and obsess about getting pregnant and they get pregnant no problem. So why not me? It’s been 1 year and 1 month now, I know there are so many woman out there that have been trying longer than me and my heart hurts for them. Why can’t these women that want to be  Mothers more than anything else in the world can’t?

I know God has a plan for me and I know that I need to stop allowing myself to dwell on the things I cannot have at the moment.

John 3:30 “He must become greater; I must become less.”

My focus just needs to be more on him, because he is my creator and my savior. I know that he wont lead me wrong, whether all this is a test to what is to come I’m not sure.. I will just keeping praying that we will be blessed with a beautiful miracle baby. Someday I will see that positive on a pregnancy test, I will keep telling myself that.

My pitty party is over for the day.

UP: It’s the time in between that really matters.

16 Jun

It’s been awhile since a movie completely catches me off guard.  In fact the last movie that did this to me was Marley and Me. I rented that movie right after we adopted our puppy last year and was thinking we were going to be watching a cute upbeat movie on life with a new dog. Boy was I wrong, I wont spoil it for you if you haven’t seen it but I was crying like I was 4 again watching Bambi.

Pretty much the same thing happened to me with UP the other night. Husband and I decided to watch this on our instant view on Netflix monday night because it looked like a cute funny movie, a good way to start the week. 15 minutes into the movie I was already crying. (NOTE if you haven’t seen this movie and don’t want SPOILERS stop at this point). The basis of the movie is a young boy meats his true love at a young age and they make a promise to go on this wild adventure when they are older and live on top of “Paradise Point” in South America someday. The girl Ellie had a book that said “My Adventure” where she had plans to go to this place with their house and what they would do and left several blank pages that said “What I will do on my adventure”….. Fast forward years later they get married and buy the old abandoned house that they met in, fix it up how they wanted it and started their life together. They try to have a baby and she miscarried after they finish the nursery. This was the point I started crying like a little girl. It was just so said, to see them both so crushed and defeated. Then you see them go through the rest of their lives until they are old always putting money in a jar to save up for their big adventure. Life events happen though, car repairs, house repairs, medical repairs and you keep seeing the jar being emptied which of course leads to them not going on their adventure. Then his beloved wife passes away at old age leaving the man feeling like he let her down because she never got to live out her dream adventure.

I wont keep going in great detail but basically this guys house is right in the middle of a modern-day city and they are trying to convince him to give up his house so they can tear it down and build a new development. He wont give up his house though because he thinks it’s all he has left of his wife and the life they had together. He then comes up with this plan where he attached thousands of balloons to his house and flies off into the air and heads to South America to live out his wife’s dream. Little did he know but a pesky boy scout type kid was under his house when he took off and despite what the man wants he has to let the kid in since they are floating in the air way above the ground. The whole movie from their on out is this giant adventure they have getting the house to Paradise Falls and all the mishaps along the way. His house is threatened several times and he risks his life and others to save his house more than once.  Towards the end of the movie he FINALLY gets the house to paradise falls, gets in the house, fixes the furniture and items where they belonged, sits down in his chair and opens Ellie’s book.. He opens it and gets very sad because again he feels like he’s failed her because she never lived out her big adventure dream she always wanted.  He flips to the page “What I will do on my adventure” and realizes that she filled out pages after that he didn’t know before… Pictures of their wedding, their house, picnic’s and special events together… Proving that she did live out her life how she wanted and that her life adventure was spending it with him enjoying their life together.  Of course I lost again her because he didn’t say anything, the music and the visual of what he was discovering was enough for me. It was so simple and beautiful.

Shortly after that he looses his house and I’ll save the end for you to watch but the boy says to him “I’m sorry you lost your house” and he says “It was just a house”.

This movie had such a special message to me and really touched my heart. Life is short and precious, we can’t take our belongs with us when we die. From the time we are kids to the time we are old is really just a blink of an eye compared to eternity in heaven. Spending this short time on earth with the ones we truly love is a blessing and even if life doesn’t work out how you wanted it too, that’s ok. Life is what happens when we’re busy making plans.

Watching this movie was great timing considering I was feeling pretty down about having issues getting pregnant. I may not be a mother right now, but I have an amazing Husband. He’s my best friend, the love of my life and I know that no matter what happens, the time I’ve had with him is the most precious gift God has ever given me.

Midgey

Is this Real Life? Ok NOW?

15 Jun

Do you ever have one of those days that no matter how hard you try to focus, your brain says “NO WAY”?

Well that would be me today. I’ve done everything but work today. In fact I read all 178 pages of Stephanie Myers short book “The Second Short Life of Bree Tanner” before lunch. Which by the way was very good and a quick easy read. It’s free to read online and I recommend checking it out: http://ld-breetannerbook.libredigital.com/index.html

My mind is everywhere today. With Father’s Day approaching this weekend I can’t help but wonder, will this be the last Father’s Day that my husband will NOT be a father? We are really hoping to have some success this month now that we are officially 1 year and 1 month of trying to have a baby. Each month it seems like someone else is knocked up from just looking at each other and we are left here swimming in Ovulation predictor tests, cycle charting and doctors appointments.

Sigh… there I go edging on the brink of cynicism. Knock that off Midgey.

Anyone else out there had or having trouble trying to have a baby? If your out there I’d love to talk, sometimes I feel so alone in that department.  I do have faith in God that he will bless us with a child when the time is right, but can the “time is right” be right now? Is that to hard to ask?

Day 2 of weight watchers online has been going well. I’m looking forward to my first official McFatty Monday weight in next week. 4 lbs is the goal.. Will I be able to do it? I sure as hell hope so.

Midgey

Well paint me purple and call me Barney.

11 Jun

Hi there, never in a million years did I think that I would be here online writing a blog as an anonymous person. I’ve had a blog in the past to keep up with family and friend events but never felt truly free to express myself.

You can call me Midgey, I’m 20 something that has the attention span of a 4 year old. I have the hardest time sticking to a plan
for more than a week and in result I have started and stopped exercise routines more times than you can “Sally sells Seashells” before you mess up. It’s not that I’m not motivated don’t get me wrong, it’s because my mind starts going a million miles and hour thinking “what if I did THIS instead, would I get better results?” And I just do this over and over again until… well you get the point.

I have a Husband, Dog and a Cat. No children yet but doesn’t mean we haven’t been trying, over a year now in fact. Be prepared for me to express my frustration with this matter from time to time, although I usually have a pretty good outlook on it. I am human.

I work at a desk for 9 hours a day, and when I get home from work the thought of working out, making dinner, eating dinner, doing chores and then going to bed to start the day over again can get a little overkill. We have a huge immediate family so we are always and someone’s birthday, graduation, or some random event (trust me there have been plenty). I just can’t wait until we procreate so we can add our child’s birthdays and events to the million we have a year with everyone else.

I read alot, between books and listening to music they are my escapes from realty when I need a break. I will admit now I am a Twilight Fan (hey don’t judge me) and I’ve recently gotten hooked on true blood. I do read grown up books though to I promise.

I plan to post multiple times a week and look forward to connecting with other like-minded bloggers out there.

If you have a blog that you think would gel well with my personality please comment I’d love to check it out.

Midgey