Where I stood

22 Jun

My musical taste changes often depending on where I am in my life and what kind of mood I am in at the time. It will range from Corky Pop music when I’m feeling skinny and happy… to Alternative/Rock if I’m feeling knowledgeable and empowered… to Christian Worship music when I’m in need of spirituality or just wanting to sing at the top of my lungs.. And then there is when I love my Indie Soulful music when I’m feeling the blues and in need of some direction or inspiration.

I have this game I like to play sometimes in the car. I’ll plug my ipod in and set it to shuffle and hit play, the first song that comes on will be MY song for the day. Now this game doesn’t always work out the way I always want it too. There will be days I play this and I’m calm and feeling relaxed and ready for some inspiration and I end up with Lil John screaming YAYYYYYYYYY! loudly in my ears.

And then there are times where the song hits me straight in the heart and I get goosebumps because it’s EXACTLY how I feel at that moment. That happend to me this morning. Missy Higgins “Where I stood” came on as I was driving to work and I broke down into tears 45 seconds into the song.  Call me dramatic if you’d like, music is a passion of mine and it feeds my soul. Hearing the lyrics

“I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it’s all or none”

The song is about her putting her ex love behind her and realizing that even though they are no good for eachother and that this new woman in his life is better for him… she just doesn’t want to let go. She says “‘Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

Such a powerful statement “She who dares to stand where I stood”. It gets me right in the chest every time. This song for me doesn’t represent a lost love like it does for her.. I have the love of my life and I thank God everyday he’s my husband. This song for me is about my constant struggle of wanting all or nothing right this very second. Jealous Midgey is on my left shoulder poking me with her little stick in full force today. On a day that I should be feeling happy and excited for a dear friend I find myself feeling horribly jealous and aching for the same thing to happen to me.

This yearning in my heart and soul to be a Mother consumes me sometimes. To the point where I feel like it will never happen to me because I want it so badly. My Husband says I need to “let go, and that I’m stressing to much about it. It’s not happening because I’m thinking about it to much.” Of course this theory is possibly very true, but then I think about all the other woman that Chart, and obsess about getting pregnant and they get pregnant no problem. So why not me? It’s been 1 year and 1 month now, I know there are so many woman out there that have been trying longer than me and my heart hurts for them. Why can’t these women that want to be  Mothers more than anything else in the world can’t?

I know God has a plan for me and I know that I need to stop allowing myself to dwell on the things I cannot have at the moment.

John 3:30 “He must become greater; I must become less.”

My focus just needs to be more on him, because he is my creator and my savior. I know that he wont lead me wrong, whether all this is a test to what is to come I’m not sure.. I will just keeping praying that we will be blessed with a beautiful miracle baby. Someday I will see that positive on a pregnancy test, I will keep telling myself that.

My pitty party is over for the day.


One Response to “Where I stood”

  1. Cindy June 22, 2010 at 6:36 pm #

    It is hard (and understandable) to not feel bitterness or jealousy when others around you have what you want. (it is for me sometimes, anyway)

    I wish I could give you advice on having a baby. With me, the spouse & I didn’t actually try, but we weren’t really preventing either. I was off all forms of birth control for 5 years before we had our daughter. I know that is probably not what you want to hear… 5 years is a long time to wait for something you want.

    One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” I know it is easier to say than do, but try to relax and stop stressing. 🙂 Remember what you said – God does have a plan for you. 🙂

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